A Hand of Masturbators

You know the way they say “A host of angels”, and
“A bunch of keys”? For masturbators, we say “A
Hand of Masturbators”. Masturbation is the art
and science of being very much in love with
yourself and having a good rapport with your
facilities (Drucker: 1990). There is an astonishing
prevalence, in fact, an outbreak of this behavior
among “guys in the friend zone”. This implies that
saying that someone is in the friend-zone has
many implications today, than was the case in the
days of our fore-fathers. Our fore-fathers had
20 wives for crying out loud. These days, we can’t
even get a girlfriend. Oh Yes! It’s such a pity.

The Big question is whether or not masturbation is
proper? The first answer that comes to mind is
that you own all the equities in your body and
there are no shareholders. Agreed!

But can we
please now hear other views? Haba!
Pastor Chris and other anointed Men of God have
said: Why are you wasting the precious hand God
has given you, Masturbate! For the Kingdom of
God is for those at “hand”. This is one side of the
story, so relax. The majority of Christians on the
other “hand” are saying that masturbation is a sin
against the flesh. Now, you are totally confused,
and understandably so. But while you are waiting
for Pastor Chris and the other Christians to settle
the misunderstanding, it seems you are joining
other brothers all around the world in the Feast
of Handover. You are on a long thing o.

How about going a bit scientific? Scientists, like
their Christian brothers are deep in their own
confusion. Some hold that masturbation takes
away your “life force” (What the heck is that?).

Others state that it is completely healthy and in
fact should be encouraged. HIV awareness
officials are busy sharing condoms and bleaching
creams for people to wank. Some Monks are even
saying that it is necessary in order to purify the
being and “align yourself to the frequency of your
Soul’s Music”. Hian! Okay now. Just too much
controversy everywhere!
All these uncertainty have pushed a crop of youths
across the globe to begin a campaign called
#LeaveMyHandAlone Campaign. You can register
for the campaign Tuesdays and Thursdays Live at
Manuwa Bustop (I dey Joke o abeg).

As expected, some other sets of youths,
particularly females have risen up to oppose the
other campaign with their own

#GetYourselfAGirlfriend” Movement. Nawa, O
boy, things are happening. Men dey!

The hand is
surely mightier than the Sword.