I am a true born again Christian and I’d tell you the truth. The mark of a Christian
is how long you are able to pray. The mark of a true Christian however, is how many
of your prayers are answered by God.
Many of our Christian brothers fall into the
temptation of saying long prayers that are never answered by God. These sad people
are the ones that usually sit down whenever the pastor says it is testimony time,
watching as the born-agains troop out to the altar to testify of the goodness of God
in their lives. Being a perfect born-again, I have decided to share with you the
secrets of ensuring that God always answers your prayers the way he answers Sister
Grace, which is why that sadistic woman is always dancing in front every Sunday,
leading the queue to the altar, looking down judgmentally at all those who don’t have
anything to testify about. Follow these guidelines and next Sunday it would be your
turn to shout Praaaaiiisse daaaa loooooorrrd!!!
1) NEVER PRAY FOR IMPOSSIBLE THINGS: Most Christians make the mistakes of
praying for things which are more or less impossible. Last week in church while I was
busy minding my own business praying to God, I was led by the Holy Spirit to
accidentally over hear Bother John’s prayers. The young fool was praying for God to
provide money so he could enroll his son into ESUT. This KEKE driver was praying to
receive divine credit alert of about seven hundred thousand naira from his bank.
When I heard this prayer, I knew that Brother John would not be coming out for
testimony any time soon. Unless you want to make God a liar, you should always pray
for things that are likely to happen. Pray for government to pay your salary at the
end of the month. Pray for safe journey on your way to Lagos from Enugu. Don’t
start praying for things like “Let Boko Haram release the Chibok girls”. You’d simply
be making fun of God.
2) ALWAYS HELP GOD ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS: We tend to forget that most times
God needs our help to answer our prayers. Yes, we all know that he is extremely
powerful but that doesn’t mean he is a magician. How can you pray that God will help
you pass your exams without reading? Prayer without work is futile. When you pray
for a promotion, don’t forget to smile at your Oga every day. Don’t forget to
compliment him on how beautiful his shirt is. Sometime it might even be necessary to
fuck him in his office. Don’t worry about it being a sin, God will forgive you. He
always does, especially when you’re contributing your own quota towards ensuring that
he answers your prayers. He would look at you, his beloved child and he would bless
you for not making him a liar.
3) FAST: Who doesn’t know that God does not answer prayers these days unless it is
accompanied by fasting? And I don’t mean beginner’s fast, that nonsense 6 am- 12
pm fast that some people do. That one doesn’t count. If you want God to answer your
prayers, your fast must from at least 6 am – 6pm. If you can fast for 24 hours, it
would make God even happier and more eager to ensure that your hunger pangs do
not go in vain. He derives great joy in seeing his children starve for the purpose of
making him adhere to their requests.
4) GIVE BIG OFFERINGS: Let’s face it, life is a business and it is controlled by
money. The more you give the more you’d receive. If every Sunday, you give 100
naira as offering, for your mind now would your prayer carry the same weight as
that of a man who gave 10,000 naira as offering? God is a business man, he blesses
those who bless him. 100 naira is an insult to the owner of the world. If you’ve been
praying for a jeep and you give 100 naira offering, Okada would forever remain your
portion. Give 1000 naira and offering and pray that no one gives 10,000 naira
because God has priorities and he would always answer those who give him most.
5) SPEAK IN TONGUES: If as a Christian you haven’t understood that no is not
accompanied by some speaking in tongues, then you are a comedian. God has given
you the power to speak in tongues. It doesn’t matter that what you’re saying is
arrant nonsense, God would understand and devil would be confused. If you’re also
stupid enough to believe that speaking in tongues is only done as led by the spirit
then I sympathize with you. If the Holy Spirit doesn’t want lead you force him to
lead you, just start saying “Sherimamamama” and every other thing would follow.
These are the secrets on how to ensure that all your prayers are answered by
God. Forget that that faith thing that the pastor talks about. If you think faith
can solve your problems take your pastor to Udi hills, not Mount Everest, Udi hills,
tell him to command it to move and watch as he makes God a liar. Follow these
few rules and next Sunday you’d be dancing to the altar with Sister Ngozi behind
you and Brother John watching pathetically from the bench.
BY CHUKA ARINZE-ONYIA
LAW 400 LEVEL
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