1. The one who messages you once a year to say
something incredible.
Every so often, you’ll wake up to a text or a
Facebook message from him, something about how
he thought of you last night, or how he wants to
see you, or when are you going to be in his city?
It will fill you with a sudden whoosh of excitement
and hope. But no matter how carefully you’ll try
to reply to his messages — to seem casually
interested, but not like you’re invested in his
sudden attention — he’ll always fade away again,
and you’ll somehow be left feeling desperate,
even if he’s the one who reached out to you.
You’ll delete his number from your phone to
prevent yourself from drunk texting him, but
you’ll still look at his profile every now and again.
2. The one who doesn’t like your friends.
He’ll hang out with them from time to time,
because to not see them would be unreasonable,
but he
won’t like it. He’ll pout and text a lot and demand
your attention, and then when the two of you are
walking home, he’ll say nasty things about them.
One time your friend will come over late at night,
crying because she just got some very, very bad
news, and the two of you will sit on your couch,
drinking wine and talking until 3 AM. You’ll tell
him about it the next day, and he’ll make an
offhand comment about how your friends are “so
fucking dramatic.”
3. The one with the interesting tattoos, who
makes you say “yes.”
One day you’ll be standing outside of a house
party, drinking a beer and talking to people you
don’t really know. He’ll be sitting next to you on a
cooler, wearing a frayed, deep-cut t shirt that
shows off all of his interesting tattoos — black
lines, strange symbols, words written too small to
read from your distance — and rolling a small
cigarette on an open pack of Drum. You’ll look
down at him for a second too long, and he’ll say
“Want one?” It will feel like some kind of royalty
has chosen you out of a crowd. You’ll say yes, even
though you don’t really smoke, and for the next
three months, you’ll do a lot of things that you
don’t really do, just because you want him to think
of you as 20 percent cooler than you are. And
then he’ll sleep with someone else, and you’ll be
devastated, mostly because it won’t even count as
cheating — you never even declared yourselves a
couple in the first place.
4. The one who changes around his friends.
Your relationship will be like a secret that only the
two of you can ever know about, and every time
he’ll be in the same room as his friends, it’ll be
like a light switch has suddenly been turned off.
He’ll be cold, and sarcastic, and not want to do
any of the charming, silly things the two of you
like to do together in private. “I’ve seen you
naked drinking milk in front of the refrigerator,
you asshole,” you’ll think, “Don’t you act like
you’re cool all of a sudden.” And suddenly, all
you’ll want is for him to be kind in front of them,
to prove that you’re not insane, and that the
version of him you know in private really does
exist. Then he’ll use the word “pussywhipped” in
conversation once or twice, and you’ll realize that
will never happen.
Then he’ll use the word “pussywhipped” in
conversation once or twice, and you’ll realize that
will never happen
5. The one who is already with someone.
You’ll think that you can change him. You’ll think
that, if you only present yourself as the perfect
alternative to his current situation, he’ll leave her
and fall madly in love with you. But all that will
really do is make you hate her for no reason, and
at best, make him cheat on her when he has the
time. You’ll make your friends promise you that
you’re not the other woman, even though everyone
knows that you are, and somehow the only person
who will get out of this situation without making
any enemies will be him. And in four years, you’ll
cringe at the person you were during that time.
6. The one who drinks too much coffee and is
always working on a project.
You’ll meet him in the back of a coffee shop,
looking intensely at his computer screen and
drinking what is likely his third Americano of the
afternoon. He’ll be wearing earth tones and
glasses, and everything about him will feel warm
and passionate and deep. You’ll ask him questions
and all of his answers will be vague, and challenge
the very construct of the question itself. He will
be “freelancing” and “between projects” and
“working on something right now,” but you’ll never
see anything tangible come of it. You’ll leave him
a few months in, and a year later, you’ll see him
at the same coffee shop. Only this time, it won’t
seem intense or earthy, it will just seem sad.
7. The one who gets you into music, but doesn’t
really share it.
He’ll seem so thoughtful and cultured, and play
you records (real ones, because the sound is
just that much better) while the two of you share
a joint on the mattress in his bedroom. You’ll be
afraid to talk during any of the songs, because
you don’t want to mess up the mood or seem like
you don’t “get” it, and you’ll spend nights at
home poring over his favorite bands’ catalogs to
seem like you are as much of a real fan as he is,
and not just pretending to like them. And when
you break up, you’ll come to hate that whole
genre of music — mostly because you’ll be ready
to admit that you never liked it in the first place.
8. The one who “isn’t ready.”
Everything will go perfectly, and make sense, and
you’ll let yourself forget all of the signs from the
beginning that it was never going to be serious.
You’ll pretend not to notice when he doesn’t call
you his girlfriend unless you do it first. You’ll
pretend not to be bothered when he doesn’t offer
to introduce you to his parents when they’re in
town. You’ll pretend not to be devastated when,
six months later, your whole relationship is
reproduced with someone different than you, and
he calls her his girlfriend every time he talks
about her. You’ll keep telling yourself that he just
“wasn’t ready” to settle down with someone, until
you are finally far enough away from it to admit
that he did want those things — he just didn’t
want them with you.
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