I am addressing this letter to every past ( & prospective HR) I have encountered
in the cause of my job hunt because I want my next interview to be my last in a
long time.
Dear Sir
I'm guessing you have my résumé since I have literally applied for every vacancy
listed online.
You may send your invitation email tomorrow, next week, next month or next year
but just as you listed the requirements for your ideal candidate, permit me to
state my own prerequisites so there won't be any conflict of interest when we
eventually meet.
1. I will not wear my Christmas clothes for the interview.
As a lady, I am expected to appear in a D&G suit with a 4 inch heel shoe to
represent the image of your company. I'm sorry to announce that's not going to
happen. How do I gallantly represent the image of somewhere I am not
guaranteed?
Oga Interviewer, have you ever felt the pain that comes with leaving the interview
room with one's best clothes after the HR says "I'm sorry, you failed the GMAT
so you will not be moving on to the next stage." Or stares from passersby,
wondering why you are roaming with your CV dressed in a corporate attire during
work hours.
That does not mean I wouldn't look decent. I like to keep my dressing simple in
the event I find myself local pub where I can drink & pretend I was successful in
your recruitment.
2. My double ear piercings does not make me the wrong person for the job.
I know tattoos are wrong on all count but piercings on the ear? The last time I
checked, the position was not a choir mistress for an Apostolic Church. I have
been putting on inconspicuous studded earrings since I began job hunting. How else
do I show I'm professional enough? Do I have to cut off my ears? Dear HR of
ABC company, how would a tiny ring affect my ability to use microsoft? Just say
I remind you of your ex-girlfriend!
3. Four-person slot is not graduate trainee position
Okay, this is the first time your company needs as much as 4 candidates to fill up
a position. I understand you are doing unemployed graduates a favour but why did
you have call it graduate trainee recruitment, subsequently deceiving thousands
of job seekers online with the aim of achieving free publicity for your company?
How do you intend to pick the best four from the 15,000 applications you received.
I'm guessing you stopped reading CV's after the first 100. This is the reason we
never met cos my awesome résumé was the 12751th.
4. Be very specific with you ideal candidate before I show up
She must be on low cut, must not be more than 27, must have had at least 4
years cognate experience; 1 in a managerial position, must have ACII but ICAN is
preferable, must be multilingual, must be a graduate of a private university;
foreign university is preferable, must have flat tummy, must be living at most 30
metres from the company, must be able to work without pay for the first three
months ( na so! Is it because some churches are currently running a 100 days dry
fast program), must be able to market GNLD products?
State what you want in the vacancy.
I hate unrealistic surprises after I have wasted my transport money.
5. I won't give you my photograph.
If I don't stand a 70 percent chance of getting the job, I see no reason why I
should come with all my certificates if it will eventually end up in your company's
trash can.
Sir, photocopies are expensive. Taking passports are a chore, do you even know how
difficult it is to smile these days with all the brouhaha happening in Nigeria? I'm
guessing no. After all, you have lots of money and a job to keep you busy.
6. Open interviews? Keep your marketing offer!
Many people shy away from marketing jobs because of the poor pay. I am one of
them. (Except you want me to use my blog to promote your product/service)
After roaming the street like a mad man to find customers, one is offered only
0.1 percent commission. Like what the hell? If it were that easy to get
marketers, why did your company use euphemisms like vacancy for the post of a
'brand activator', 'key tele agents', DSA! Chief marketing technician? Yimu
If marketing is part of the job requirement, let me know prior to that! I was
offered a job as an accountant in a pension company in Benin and the next thing
the HR said was, "You know, this is a new company so you also have to bring in
clients or your salary will be slashed by more then 50%." I told him don't even
know anyone or my way round Benin! He said "Don't you have rich aunties and
uncles?" I said "no. If I had super rich relatives, would I be needing the job?"
Next thing I heard was "We will get back to you."
I'm still waiting...
7. Salary is a very sensitive issue
Please when its time to discuss my salary expectations, don't bring your
colleagues to distract me. Its no time for jokes. I'm a sucker for compliments. For
this singular reason, my mom stopped sending me market errands cos when she
gives me N5000 for soup items. I hand the entire sum to the first trader that
tells me 'Omalicha...Sweety mi...African Queen, come and buy my yams."
Dad also stopped sending me to make cash deposits cos when the beggar seated
outside the bank says, "Fine girl, Angel, please gimme money. God go bless you
for this life." I hand over the money to him.
Last year, an HR asked how much I wanted and before I could say N120000 is
okay. lol, his colleague chipped in "Mr Aderemi this particular candidate looks so
humble. . . Her smile is really infectious."
I heard that and stupidly said "You guys can pay me anything like. I will
manage."
The HR said, "We will give you N20000 per month."
Yimu! Do you know how much it cost to maintain this smile?
8. ABC Company is not the place for salary earners.
I can see that's your company core values. I understand you need my salary to
keep up with your biannual vacation to Seychelles. No problem.
I am going to work for you without pay. After all, I can do all things through
Christ Who strengthens me.
But what other incentives are you offering? Am I going to learn on the job? No.
Would it advance my career development? Maybe. Would I have to cross third
mainland bridge to work everyday? Yes. Do you have a company bus? No.
Is your firm an advertising and communications firm, you know that's my dream
career path? No.
So why do you want to 'eat' my salary? No answer.
Gentlemen, let him who has ears, hear!
From a pained job seeker.
Yours sincerely
Naijasinglegirl.com
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