“Dating doesn’t have to involve the heartache that goes along with our culture’s
process of “falling in love,” which sends you on an out-of-control romantic journey
that too often ends with a crash. There’s a better way to date: flying rather than
falling. Flying involves relying on Jesus to help you navigate dating, so you can enjoy
a peaceful, graceful journey. Here’s how you can do so:
Shift your focus from wanting to giving. When you’re falling in love, your attention
is consumed by what you want from the person you’re dating. But when you’re dating
gracefully, you’re focused primarily on giving your boyfriend or girlfriend what’s
needed most in your relationship: Jesus’ love. Pray for the Holy Spirit’s help to focus
your attention on giving, with the confidence that when you do, you’ll end up getting
more of what’s truly best for you and your date in the relationship.
Recognize the benefits of “flying” versus “falling.” The many benefits of relying
on Jesus to help you navigate dating rather than just “falling in love” include: going
into the relationship with a good purpose, growing to become a stronger person as you
date, embracing true love instead of its imposters (like infatuation), helping you flee
from dangerous sexual immorality, developing trust and respect with the person
you’re dating, learning how to take risks in healthy ways, and building a foundation
that can support a successful marriage if you and your boyfriend or girlfriend
eventually marry.
Pursue selflessness. The more you can love the person you’re dating as Jesus loves
him or her, the healthier your relationship will be. Jesus loves selflessly. Rather than
worrying about what you can get out of the relationship, focus on what you can give
to your boyfriend or girlfriend to make him or her feel safe, loved, and cared for by
you.
Be vulnerable. Reveal the unvarnished truth about yourself to the person you’re
dating. Hang out together in a variety of different situations so you can get a fuller
perspective on each other’s attitudes and actions in different aspects of life. Openly
discuss your past, present, and hopes for the future. Be honest about your
shortcomings as a person right now and how you’re relying on Jesus to help you grow.
The more open and honest you both are with each other, the stronger your
relationship can become.
Approach your relationship as part of God’s transcendent plan. Keep in mind that
true romantic love between people is sacred – it’s meant to reflect God’s love, which
goes far above and beyond our fallen world’s limited concept of romantic love. Aim to
do much more than just enjoy time with someone to whom you’re attracted; aim to
figure out while dating if this person may be the one you marry.
Break up when necessary. If the person you’re dating is pulling you farther away
from Jesus rather than inspiring you to grow closer to Jesus, you should break up
with him or her. As difficult as it can be to end a romantic relationship, it’s the most
loving action to take if it becomes clear that your boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t fully
committed to following Jesus in your relationship.
Love Jesus more than the person you’re dating. Since Jesus is the essence of love,
you must love Jesus more than your boyfriend or girlfriend in order to impart true
love to him or her. Jesus’ love will flow through you to reach the person you’re dating
when you’re in love with Jesus first. Don’t let your boyfriend or girlfriend idolize
you, and don’t idolize him or her. Instead, pursue closer relationships with Jesus
together, and in the process Jesus will draw you closer to each other.
Live connected the Holy Spirit. Every day, pray for the Holy Spirit to guide and
empower you. Then pay attention to the Spirit’s messages and obey them. The more
intimately connected you become to the Spirit, the more you can build a healthy
dating relationship that reflects true love.
Invite other people into your dating relationship. Choose some family and friends
you trust to help encourage you and hold you accountable in your dating relationship.
Give them permission to speak to you about what they’re observing from their
perspectives about your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and
prayerfully consider their input.
Control your sexual urges. Set boundaries to exercise self-control with your sexuality
to guard your heart (and your date’s heart). Pray for the Holy Spirit’s help every
day to remain sexually pure. Respond wisely to alarms in your conscience letting you
know when you’re in danger of going too far.
Harness your tongue. Be careful about how much you talk to the person you’re
dating about topics that involve deep emotion; do so only when you’re close enough to
share on deeper levels as you progress toward marriage.
Delight in the differences between you and your boyfriend or girlfriend. Accept the
differences between how God has created both of you, and ask God to use them to
change you both for the better. Look for ways that you can complement each other
to become more like Jesus and strengthen the love between you.
Develop trust and respect between you through soul scanning. This is a process of
gradually and appropriately opening up to each other about each of your interests,
goals, habits, values, beliefs, life vision, and mistakes. As you grow closer to the
person you’re dating, look deeper into each other’s souls and seek more discernment
about whether or not you should get married.
Point to Jesus in your dating relationship. Aim to date in ways that show other people
what Jesus’ love looks like in action. Some ways you and your boyfriend or girlfriend
can point to Jesus include: loving strangers, being interrupt-able, taking risks,
exuding humility, being authentic and kind, praying together, keeping God’s
commandments, serving people in need together, forgiving people who hurt you, living
with honesty and integrity, and giving thanks regularly for God’s blessings.”
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