There are no perfect relationships, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expereince a
measure of peace with your partner.
However, a lot of relationships end abruptly even when it could have been prevented,
but because the couple are too immersed in their anger, they can’t find a permanent
solution to their problems.
There are some characteristics that either you or your partner may possess, that
could ultimately ruin your relationship.
Criticism: Relationship expert John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work, is known for determining the success of a marriage within five
minutes of meeting the couple. One of the deciding factors is evidence of criticism.
Gottman knows couples will complain in their relationships, but he differentiates
complaining from criticism.
1. Mind reading: The easiest way to set a relationship on a death spiral is to play
armchair psychic. Mind reading takes a posture of assumption instead of listening,
judgment instead of compassion. When we try and read the thoughts, motives, and
intentions of another person, their voice is taken away. It dehumanizes the partner
and does not give them room for explanation. We all struggle with this one because
it’s easier to play ‘mind reader’ than listen to your partner. If you say, “I know
why you did thisÂ?” there’s a possibility mind reading has entered the
relationship.
2. Unrealistic expectations: When you begin a relationship, there are certain
underlying expectations. These boundaries get wrapped up in behavior and action.
This might be particular chores around the house, how money is spent, or how
children are disciplined. Problems emerge when these expectations become
unrealistic and the partner feels crushed under the weight of their failing
behaviour. Most likely this will lead to an unhealthy relationship.
3. Control: The desire to control your partner, according to is rooted in fear and
insecurity. A controlling attitude has more to do with us, and less with the
partner. When control enters a relationship, an underlying fear is buzzing behind
the surface. It may be fear of not knowing the future. Fear of abandonment.
Fear of being seen as a terrible spouse. Until we get a handle on our own
insecurities the partner will suffer. If we constantly say “Don’t do that,” or “Stop
doing this,” we might be a control freak.
4. Comparison: Comparing your current partner with a former relationship is a
guaranteed disaster. The comparison is unfair. No one person is the standard for
all relationships. If they were so great why did the relationship not work out?
Testing your current relationship, based on a prior one, is a good way to kill your
relationship before it begins. Relationships are complex because of timing, maturity
of the partner, and emotional stability. These factors change over time.
5. Routine: All relationships get stale. When partners get comfortable with one
another they stop doing the little things. Eventually, boredom and disinterest set
in. But this is normal. It just means we need to mix it up. Maybe we need a new
routine. A date night every Friday night. A vacation to an exotic locale. Taking up
a hobby together. Or finding different ways to communicate with one another.
Routine doesn’t need to have the last say in a relationship. Identify it. Mix it up.
Watch your relationship come back to life.
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